Oct 31, 2021

WHAT REALLY SCARES ME . . .

 

Heights. Heights really scare me. But, I’m talking about something more deep. Something that shakes my soul.

It’s been really interesting the responses I’ve gotten since telling people that I plan on traveling cross country in my van . . . by myself. The number one response is: “You’re so brave!” Also, things like, “Aren’t you scared” or “Be careful.” I totally get it and I appreciate the care and concern from others that I know these responses come from.

I don’t feel brave. At all.  Heights scare me but you know what really terrifies me? Not truly living. You know that song, Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw? It’s so cliche but it’s how I feel (and I don’t particularly like that song, but totally feel the sentiment of it).

I regularly bring my sister, Pam, something to eat or take her out to eat. Pam lives in an assisted living home. She had strokes when she was 62 and she’s 68 now. She will always have to live in a facility that has assistance. She’ll never be able to leave unless someone takes her out nor will pretty much everyone else there.

When you go to the assisted living home, you have to ring a doorbell for them to let you in. It’s all windows so you can see inside when you are in the foyer. The first floor is the memory care (Pam is on the second floor). When I am waiting for someone to come ring me in, it’s usually lunch or dinner time. Every. Single. Time. It makes me want to go out and do whatever I can to live right now. I feel all these emotions seeing those beautiful people, especially with my sister being in there and she’s still so young. I feel sad, empathy, guilty, bad, sometimes scared. It also terrifies me to not really live my life.

I was at lunch with a really good friend of mine the other day. He told me that how he sees me is that I run towards chaos unlike most people who run from it. I didn’t hesitate to tell him he’s exactly right! I’m not sure where that comes from (maybe growing up the youngest of six and having four sisters!) but I find calm in the middle of chaos. I feel a calm in the eye of the storm. Maybe that’s it. When I feel like life is out of my control (which COVID has done for all of us), I throw myself into something chaotic to feel calm. I don’t feel brave taking off on this cross country adventure, I feel more in my element. It feels familiar to me, not knowing what’s ahead and being okay with it.

I leave one week from today.

Go make an adventure.

See you down the road . . .

Tracey

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